my hidden secret

The most impacted part of my life that I want to keep a secret. I don't want anyone to know that I am "sick" or that I have a mental disorder. But guess what I do.

Hi my name is Tracy and I am BiPolar. What is BiPolar Disorder you ask? Check it out.. millions of people have it and most don't even know.

I didn't know that I had it until about 8 months ago. Yep, I was born this way. Yep, I have been showing signs my entire life. But not one cared to notice.. Wait that is not fair....No one understood this problem I was having. The anger, the mood swings, the angry outburts since I was a pre-teen.. Why didn't anyone help me? Why I have been all alone my whole entire life? Why has nothing ever stayed positive in my life? Why has it taken 36 years of my life to finally get HELP...

I remember being 14 years old and my parents admitting me to a psychiatric ward. Yep.. a juvenille psychiatric ward.. I was there for a LONG time. I was in an ORANGE jump suit for a portion of that time.. Why ~ I was a suicide risk but the orange jump suit was because I was a runaway.. A "flight" risk... It would be easier to spot me if I ran away from there... I WAS A 14 YEAR OLD RUNAWAY.

That is a whole other story with a long ending.. Maybe I should write a book..

The reason for my hub is simple. I have had a week from hell. A BiPolar moment. I can't think, sleep, sit down, stop yelling at my kids, etc. etc. etc.......I can't stop crying.. Crying seems to release some of the stress..

I don't know .. the medicine isn't working... the days are getting longer... my life seems to be closing in on me..

Hugging my children doesn't work, laying close to my husband isn't comforting this time. Where do I go from here? I need to make it though this day... through this BiPolar moment.....through this Manic Phase....I need to find a way to cope..

So, you all know my secret... you know the part of me that I haven't told anyone.... you now know that when you meet Tracy you meet her disease as well.. It is a disease.. A disease I can't throw away.. a disease I can't hope to wake up one day to find it melted away in my dreams. A disease that I am still learning to understand. A disease that takes over my body on this BiPolar moments.

So don't EVER judge a book by its cover... Remember to love everyone.. with the good and with the bad. Everyone is here for a purpose, for a reason. I am here and I am speaking up.

I will try and make it though this day with my head up high. There will be LOTS of I am sorry today to you, my kids and my hubby.

Thank you for understand and thank you for listenin.

Tracy ~ living with BiPolar Disorder