from the eyes of a 16 year old

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was 15 years old and a runaway. I left home because I didn't fit in. Little did I know was that I suffered from Bipolar disorder and no one knew that.

I had just left the psychiatric ward where my parents had placed me 6 months prior for suicide attempts. I hated my life. I so desperatly needed some sort of love, attention, understanding and probably not really sure if that was even what I needed. I definately needed medication.

I packed up my clothes, hid them outside of my house went to school and then cut school. I came back home grabbed my clothes and off I went. I had no freaking clue where I was going, but I was going. I wasn't going to live in this hell hole anymore where no one understood me and I didn't fit in. How do you not fit in with your own family? I couldn't understand it. At the time, I didn't understand, but I was being IMPULSIVE.

Impulisivness comes with being bipolar. WHY DIDN'T THEY FIGURE IT OUT? All the signs were there. I have been told by my psychiatrist that the reason why they didn't figure it "out" was because children weren't bipolar 20 years ago. How can children be bipolar today and not yesterday? Oh, thank goodness for research.

I remember walking down the street with what I thought was my head held up high and being so proud. What the heck?? Proud that at the age of 15 I was on my own. What in the world is wrong with my head? Lots of things are wrong with my head, lots of things.

I now wonder where my life would of gone instead of where it didn't. Would I have gone away to college instead of junior college? Would I of never gotten married to my first husband? If I didn't, I wouldn't have my 3 beautiful children. To many what ifs.

Instead, let's live for the now. Let's all try and take what we have learned and help someone who can't find their way. Yesterday is only memories, today is our NOW and tomorrow is the future.

Love is the answer ~ I didn't have it back then and boy it is a lonly world out there without someone to love you.